This article was originally published on WackoJaco
Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. It's a time for presents, for family, and yes, for photos. Because if you're going to get together with your weird uncles and that one cousin you sort of had a crush on in middle school, you might as well get something to hang on your mantle out of it. So join us, won't you, as we try to discover how much holiday cheer is entirely too much holiday cheer.
Those Kids Are Running the Entire Gamut of Human Emotions
The wife of the guy who posted this photo called him specially just to say that she had just witnessed the taking of the perfect Christmas photo. All you other losers might as well give up, because neither you nor your good-for-nothing kids will ever top this one. We don't even know where to begin. We could talk about Santa looking vaguely evil, but that would distract us from the main course.
Because between those three kids, every conceivable human emotion has been expressed. The baby is "shocked silence," the kid in the glasses is "abject terror," while the kid in the front is "maniacal glee."
There's One in Every Family - Now to Find Out Which One It Is
We love this photo so much. It's something we've always known, of course, but seeing just how different two brothers can turn out is a real eye-opener. There's one, wearing his silly teddybear sweater and looking like he just stepped out of a safety school's welcome brochure. Meanwhile, the other looks like the tatted-up poster child of an underground fight club. He might help old ladies cross the road, but face tattoos send a certain message.
The real kicker, though, is that we can't tell which one is the black sheep without seeing the rest of their family.
What The Nightmare Before Christmas Would Be Like if It Was Actually Scary
Growing up, we were always told to look for context clues whenever we came upon a word we weren't familiar with. Why are we even bringing that up? Well, just to let you know that it was a lie - and this David Lynch-like photo proves it. The mom here seems perfectly happy with what's going on, in stark contrast to her son, who has the much more appropriate reaction of being dumbfounded.
And then there's the dog. We'd frown on putting that suffocating horse mask on it, but in all honesty, it seems to have been preparing for this moment its entire life. And that's unnerving.
Keep Bridget in Your Thoughts This Holiday Season - She Needs the Help
Everyone loves funny Christmas cards, but we're a little afraid to laugh at Bridget's, if we're being honest with you. Not because they're not that great, mind - they're PHENOMENAL. No, it's more because we're afraid all these shenanigans are hiding something darker underneath the surface. You can judge for yourself as we give you some context. Apparently, the guy who posted these has four sisters, and three of them are married.
Since his parents thought it was weird to do a Christmas card with just one daughter, they decided to cut Bridget out of theirs altogether. Left to her own devices, she came with these fantastic solo cards, highlighting several years' worth of loneliness.
We're All Tethered Here, and It's Almost Time for the Unbinding
Is the 2010 in the snow the year this photo was taken, or the number of souls the Great Dreamer Cthulhu demands they provide him as sacrifice? Honestly, it's 50-50. Okay, we kid, we get what they were after - the whole family are supposed to be reindeer tied to Santa's sleigh. Except that it's a buggy, not a sleigh. And they don't have antlers, but mock hands tied to their heads.
And some of them look practically unhinged. So other than these few trivial details, we totally get what they were going for. We get it - but we're calling the cops. We've seen Get Out!
'Oh, We Had a Perfectly Normal Christmas Eve. Why Do You Ask? '
There's-- There's quite a lot to unpack in this photo, psychologically speaking. There's the gingerbread house carrying the same warning from the first episode of that godawful AMC zombie show. There are also the gingerbread men, all in various stages of succumbing to their injuries. There's the fact that the gingerbread house is literally ON FIRE. Our favorite little thing about this photo, though, has to be the little girl's expression.
That's not "Mommy, mommy, come quick, there's been an accident!" That expression is full-on "There is no use. I am Belial of the Many Forked Tongues and your child belongs to me now."
We Could've Led a Perfectly Happy Life Never Seeing 'Home Invasion Santa'
We always did feel like there was something seriously creepy about that whole "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake" thing. You get a little older, and suddenly you find the idea that an elderly stranger is watching you all the dang time for the supposed purpose of determining whether you've been "naughty or nice" to be a little unnerving. This photo pretty much gave concrete form to all our fears.
It was an alright idea - on paper. The woman is posing with a kid, while Santa's watching them from behind, motioning for us to stay silent. It might've even worked, if Santa wasn't being so indescribably weird about it.
Now That's What We Call 'In for a Penny, in for a Pound'
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry, Scottish poet Robert Burns wrote in 1785. And while we can't pretend to speak for our murine friends (great word, look it up), we can say with absolute certainty that it happens to men all. The. Time. Take this family's Christmas card. Featuring mom and dad, their dog, and their kids and their significant others, it was good enough to have 200 copies of it made.
Then, naturally, the guy on the right broke up with his girlfriend. Sure, they could've scrapped it - but that's for losers. Instead, they slapped a "to be determined" sticker on her face and mailed them out anyway.
Santa Better Watch His Six, She's the Unabomber of Children
Someone needs to tell that kid it's Christmas, and she should turn that frown upside down. We're saying "someone" specifically because there's no way we're going to if she looks like that when she's about to mail a letter to Santa. We mean, if that's where she's at mentally when she's sending gift requests to a benevolent supernatural being, imagine what she's like when you tell her to eat all her greens!
Man, we hope Santa has some TSA-like screeners in place at the North Pole, because that letter might contain a bomb.
Heeeeeeere's the Christmas Card You'll Be Sending All Your Family and Friends!
The Shining, Stanley Kubrick's horror masterpiece based on the Stephen King novel of the same name, has inspired countless Halloween costumes in the four decades since it was released. And rightfully so - it's rare for a 40-plus-year-old movie to have aged so well. Here's the thing, though - like we pointed out, it's a staple of Halloween. It's not every day that you see a Christmas card based on a movie about one man's slow descent into depraved insanity.
Judging by this card, there might be a reason for that. It's very well-done, yeah? Just probably the wrong vibe for the holiday.
'I Am Vengeance. I Am the Night. I-- Would Like a Teddy Ruxpin'
Nothing special to see here, just a Santa holding a passed-out infant in one hand while a fully adult man cosplaying as Batman sits on his lap. You've seen one of these, you've seen them all, are we right? Honestly, maybe there IS some kind of explanation that would help make this photo make sense. It's doubtful, but maybe. Either way, we'd really love it if no one ever told us.
We'd much rather keep this moment in our minds, pristine and untouched, and imagine it's the opening to the new Batman movie that's about to drop.
We Thought They Were Supposed to Be Ugly, Not Nightmarish
Before we cover anything else, can we just point out how oddly disturbing an all-white Christmas tree is? It's a little like those fish with human teeth - we guess we sort of knew they existed, but it's still bizarre seeing one. Anyway, talk about understanding the assignment! The girl on the right is wearing a pretty ugly sweater, but even she's painfully aware of how much she's been outplayed and outmatched by the girl on the left.
Wearing a homemade concoction, because no store in the universe would stock that, this is what a Christmas sweater designed by Jeffrey Dahmer would look like.
Keeping Up With the Enormous Unsettling Santa Cosplaying Ninja Turtles
Nope, your eyes do not deceive you. This is a genuine Christmas card sent out by the blended Kardashian-Jenner family in the late '80s or very early '90s. There's Bruce on the left, with his four kids from his previous two marriages, and there's Kris on the right, with Robert, Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe. You might get so lost in wistful nostalgia, in fact, that you completely miss the seven-foot-tall Ninja Turtle dressed as Santa.
It's the kind of character you'd see walking around in a themed amusement park. To think they paid someone to visit them at home dressed like that is a little weird.
Man, That Girl Really Should Have Watched More Cooking Gifs
We're honestly not 100% sure what exactly transpired here just moments before this photo was taken. Did the dish in the oven explode like a bomb, sending a shockwave that blew back that young woman? Or are we witnessing her inconsolable anguish at having just ruined Christmas dinner for her entire family? We'll probably never know, and there's a certain magic to that. This photo will always remain a mystery, and we think we actually prefer it that way.
It's like the Christmas dinner version of Schrodinger's cat - as long as we don't find out the backstory, the lady will forever remain simultaneously despondent and deceased.
Being the Responsible Older Brother Isn't Necessarily Always the Greatest
Man alive, when they said a picture was worth 1,000 words, this is the picture they were talking about. Even if we didn't tell you these two dudes were brothers, you could have easily guessed. The one on the left is the older brother. Considered more mature and settled down, he was gift a glassware set by his parents. And it's been branded with the Food Network's logo, so you know they're really really glass-y.
The bro on the right, though, is younger. Maybe he's a bit of a wild child. He got an Xbox One. End result? The older brother is seriously rethinking some very sensible life choices.
This Is Like the World's Least-Rewarding Version of Where's Waldo
We'll admit - it took us a minute to find it in the first place. But once we did, we couldn't look at anything else. Judging by the Badgers banner behind them, these four roommates all go to the University of Wisconsin–Madison. Judging by the expression on that cat's face, the Four Lords of the Abyss are about to be summoned to take care of business. Well, that's gratitude for you.
They even went to the trouble of finding the little guy a matching sweater, so they can all be Christmas buddies. Talk about rude.
Welcome to the Family, Allison! Also, Get Used to This
There's nothing that makes a new addition to the extended family feel like they've come home quite like a plain white sock with a yellow note fastened to it with a paperclip. And by "nothing" we mean "everything." Imagine Allison coming down on Christmas morning. There's Steven's sock, adorned and embroidered in gold. And there's-- Wilson? We guess that's Wilson, what a terrible font. Anyway, there's Wilson's stocking, exactly the same.
And then there's hers, looking like an assignment someone forgot to do and rushed to finish before class started. Honestly, at that point, isn't it better to just not give her a sock at all? It might be less humiliating.
'Hey, Girl, Me and This Christmas Tree I'm Throttling Love You'
Whoever said you need to be an average joe or jane to take painfully awkward Christmas photos? Hah, and all this time you thought Justin Timberlake was the personification of drip. Well, if this photo is anything to go by, it's less of a drip and more of a drizzle. From his popcorn hair to that incandescent silver jacket that would've been outdated in 1987, it's all a bit tragic.
And that's without pointing out the fact that he's improperly touching that poor Christmas tree. "Bye bye bye" indeed, J.T.!
Don't Worry, Grandma's Just Resting Her Eyes for a Little Bit
There are cool grandmothers and then there's this lady. In the words of the person who originally posted this gem of a photo, "My grandma got so smashed at Christmas dinner that she fell into the tree." Naturally, seeing an elderly relative who's three sheets to the wind pass out under the tree, their first instinct was to snap a photo. And they even added this tasteful filter, to boot.
That's one classy grandchild, who we sincerely hope she's going to cut out of her will when she comes to. Err, IF she comes to. Did anyone even try to check on her? Are we sure she's still alive?
There Can Be Only One! There Can Be Only One!
Just like the 1986 documentary Highlander told us, there can be only one immortal being - and just who that'll be will be decided through mortal combat. This may be a set photo of that movie's remake, but we seriously hope not. Hollywood has already ruined everything else about our childhoods, so we really wish they'd just leave Highlander alone. In all likelihood, though, this photo is of a kid who got a Nerf toy weapon for Christmas.
Being a boy of a certain age, he naturally proceeded to take out all the other living male relatives, so he could rule himself. Oh sorry, that's lions - we were thinking about lions.
Honey, I-- Oh Sweet Merciful Lord, What Have I Done to the Kids?!
This is somehow simultaneously both the best AND worst Photoshop jobs we've ever seen. It's the best because it really is seamless - if you didn't know any better, you'd think this was a Christmas card from the Island of Dr. Moreau or something. It's also the worst Photoshop job for precisely that same reason. The sight of that man-baby will haunt our dreams forever, and possibly our waking hours as well.
The "Merry Christmas 2013" at the bottom seems almost like it's mocking us, because this photo just retroactively ruined every single Christmas from 2013 and until the end of time for us.
Man, the Sequel to Marriage Story Looks Really Really Bad
Contrary to what you might think, this photo didn't immortalize the very moment both parties knew their marriage was over, like a prehistoric mosquito trapped in ember. We mean, okay, maybe it also did that, but that's not literally what you're seeing here. No, according to the lady on the floor, they set a timer - and it went off the second after her husband sat down on her foot and crushed it.
Well, that's her version of how it went down, at any rate. Her husband might be telling a different story, and that girl looks like this isn't the first this happens.
Weird Family Photo or the Poster to Literally Any Art House Flick?
This family photo raises more questions than it provides answers, we're afraid. The way the dad is flanked by his two kids looks almost ceremonial, leading us to believe they're presenting the gifts they got for Christmas. Then again, those gifts seem to be a ring pop for each child and a plunger for the father. Specifically, you'll be happy to know that's a flange plunger, used to clear backed toilets.
Despite the fact it's clearly the king of plungers, that's still kind of a crummy gift to give someone on Christmas. The look on his face, in fact, kind of corroborates that. At least the kids seem pleased?
Get Into the Holiday Spirit - If by 'holiday Spirit' You Mean 'zero Effort'
Sure, Halloween and Christmas are literally almost two months apart, but come on. It's not like anyone has the time to decorate their house TWICE in a two-month timespan. What are we, unemployed? Maybe you can just take a page of inspo - as we're told the kids are now saying - from this family. They decorated for Halloween, although to be fair the word "decorated" has never been used more loosely.
Nevertheless, since the skeleton was still there at Christmas, they figured they might as well stick a little Santa hat on it and call it a Christmas decoration. They might not be winning any neighborhood decoration awards, but-- Uh, actually, that's it.
The Pig Probably Used to Eat Vegetables, Maybe That Counts?
There's actually a bit of backstory to this photo. This ecstatic young woman was spending Christmas with her boyfriend's family for the first time. That's kind of stressful at the best of times, right? You don't get a second chance at a first impression and all that. Well, in this particular case things were even more complicated. You see, that girl is a vegetarian, while the family created a wonderfully traditional Filipino Christmas feast.
Just look at that pig's head, and meat dish, and other meat dish, and-- Oh. Oh, that poor girl. Well, hey, she can eat those spring onions! And, uh, the apple from the pig's mouth?
Let's Give It up for the Gold-Medal Winning Performance in Synchronized Blinking
If you're old enough to remember a time before digital cameras, let alone smart phones, you'll remember the dread with which you opened an envelope of developed photos. You took the photos months, possibly years ago, and you just got them back. You have no idea how they turned out, or if they even turned out at all. If you and your family didn't have glowing demon eyes, it was a good batch.
We were reminded of those days when we saw this photo, with seemingly the entire family blinking all at once. We're assuming it's intentional, because if it's not it's amazing.
We've Never Felt More Personally Attacked by a Christmas Sweater
They've become such a staple of the holiday season that it's almost impossible to remember a time before ugly Christmas sweaters were a thing. There totally was, though - not even that long ago, in fact, as they didn't seriously become a thing until the early 2000s. Ever since then, however, their popularity has exploded, and there are even ugly Christmas sweater competitions now. This guy probably won't be winning any, unfortunately.
See, Christmas sweaters are supposed to be quirky and offbeat. They're not supposed to feel like a personal attack against everything you are. The look on the guy's face just makes the whole thing even more unnerving. Can it be New Year's already?
They're Several Different Levels of Excited for That Christmas Turkey
Christmas turkeys have a long and proud tradition as the centerpiece of holiday dinner tables. People have been eating them in the United Kingdom since the 16th century, and considering they actually came from America, people stateside have been too. We'd venture a guess that in that entire 500-year history we just described, though, there has almost never been anyone this excited to see one. First, there's the dad, who's eerily satisfied with his handiwork.
Then there's the older brother, wearing his best John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever threads. Finally, there's the little sister, looking like she's about to unhinge her jaw like a snake and swallow that bad boy whole.
That Must Be What Christmas Looked Like at Ebenezer Scrooge's house
Hey, man, the struggle is real. We get it - Christmas trees might be the biggest holiday-related scam ever. Just think about it, you're shelling anything from 80 to 100 bucks or even more for something that you'll use for a couple of days a year and then throw out. Oh, and before you do it'll fill your home with little needles that you'll still be trying vacuum up come June.
So with that in mind, maybe the air freshener Christmas tree isn't such a bad idea even if you're not on a budget. And think of the added bonus - the only gifts that'll fit under that thing will be microscopic, so that's a double saving!
That's a Crossover We Never Knew We Needed Until Just Now
During the holiday season, a lot of schools do Christmas nativity plays to get children in touch with tradition. If nothing else, the kids get to play dress-up, going as their favorite biblical characters. You know, Joseph, Mary, ummm... Wise Man Number Three? We're sure he's someone's favorite. Anyway, it's tons of fun. Of course, some kids hear there are going to be costumes and their mind immediately goes "Halloween!"
This little boy must not have felt he got the mileage he was looking for from that Spider-Man costume, so he figured a play about the Savior being born was as good a reason as any to bring it back.
There's a Reason Puns Were Never on the List of Oprah's Favorite Things
I got my girlfriend a three-carat ring for Christmas, this photo's original caption said. "She was not happy." We can't for the lives of us imagine why! She's only been him for years, probably, strung along on empty promises time and time again. Finally, she worked up the nerve to flat-out tell him what she wanted. It was put up or shut time. She wanted a three-carat ring, and she was going to let him know exactly that.
Then, she got a familiar-looking box. Her eyes lit up, she opened it - only to find a ring utilizing a pun the average third-grader would find lame. Yep, it's breakup o'clock.
And That, Boys and Girls, Is the True Meaning of Christmas
We can't decide whether this one's brilliant or just brilliantly cheap. It might be both, quite honestly. Even if you don't have kids yourself, you probably remember getting a cool battery-powered toy under your tree on Christmas morning, only to discover it took 35 AAAAA batteries. Naturally, they weren't included, and even if everything wasn't closed anyway, they only sold those in Mexico. So this guy came up with a perfect solution - nevermind the toy, just get the little brat batteries!
They're almost certain to have something whose batteries died three months ago, so you even have plausible deniability for how awful you are.
When They Say, 'Favorites? Don't Be Silly, of Course We Don't Have Favorites'
Here's a dirty little secret - when parents say they don't have favorites, they're lying through their teeth. Whether it's the eldest child who made them parents, the youngest who'll always be the apple of their eye or anyone in between, you can bet your sweet patoot they have favorites. It's only a matter of sussing out who's the lucky son (or daughter) of a gun. In this family's case it wasn't overly hard.
If we were betting people, we'd say it's probably Rosie. You're probably not ready to learn this, but Rosie isn't a child - it's their cat. Man, losing the battle of parental affection to an animal must sting.
We're Not Sure We're Digging This Gritty Reboot of Santa's Workshop
If Zack Snyder was ever to direct a movie about Santa Claus's origin story, this could probably be that movie's poster. If Saint Nick's little goth helpers aren't there to help him build toys, we really can't imagine what other circumstances could have led to this photo being snapped. Maybe these five edgy friends were creeping around the mall when they noticed the Santa display and decided to take an ironic picture.
But that doesn't really explain why at least two of them - the two sitting on the floor - look like this is straight up the worst day of their lives.
The Evolution of Child Sugar Rush - Prelude and Aftermath
There are two kinds of children. The first type is the bubbly extrovert who LIVES for the possibility of having their picture taken. When you tell them, "C'mere a minute, I wanna take this photo," they'll drop everything they're doing - literally - and rush over with their head turned to their best angle. Then there's the other kind. They were born old. They were curmudgeons before their age ever hit double digits.
We'll let you guess which of the girls in this photo was into striking a pose - and which went to the hoot store and found they were fresh out.
The Perfect Photo to Describe All Sibling Relationships Doesn't Exi-
Judging by the quality, clothes, and overall vibe of this photo, we'd say it was taken sometime in the '80s. Now sure, that was a while ago, but some situations are timeless. Whatever that One Hundred and One Dalmatians-branded thing is, it was merely a prop. A sort-of MacGuffin with no inherent importance of its own, it's merely there to signify that one sister will literally trample the other to get it.
Also, if we're honest, the fact the photo was (presumably) taken by their parents while one sister had her face squashed shows their priorities are A-plus.
Say It Loud, 'I'm an Absolute Doofus and I'm Proud'
We don't think we've ever seen anyone quite this satisfied by the sole accomplishment of putting together an ugly Christmas sweater. We mean, it's nice, we guess. She could have gotten the little reindeer plush animals to match, if you want to nitpick, but it's a nice sweater. Still, we guess it's a sign of the times. The world is falling to pieces all around us, both literally and figuratively.
We guess a couple of plush reindeer in strategic spots and wrapping tinsel around your arms is an accomplishment worth celebrating. Get it, girl! Let you ugly sweater flag fly!
That Christmas Tree Didn't Try to Rob a Bank - It's Just Been Cat-Proofed
People who aren't cat parents might scratch their heads in puzzlement, wonder what that Christmas tree did to get sent to jail. People who ARE cat parents, though, will go, "Oh, man, that's brilliant." You see, cats have an innate desire to destroy. Not destroy anything specific, mind you - it's just sort of a general vibe. So you CAN have a Christmas tree when you have a cat in the house.
You just better protect that bad boy. And judging by the look on that feline's face, it's not happy its plans were thwarted. Knowing cats, though, it's probably cooking up an Ocean's Eleven-level plan already.
Enjoy This Sneak Preview From It: 'Tis the Season to Be Pennywise
If you have any idea, please feel more than free to jump in, because we've been stumped for like 45 minutes - what in the world is going on in this photo? We get it, children might have their photo taken with a mall Santa or even a relative dressed up like Saint Nick. We even get that they might have a picture snapped with a clown, at a birthday party or the circus or something like that.
What we truly don't get, though - and slightly unnerves us - is where they'd find a Santa and a clown AT THE SAME TIME? Plus, those are way too homemade.
When You Suddenly Realize You Left the Oven on at Home
A woman's worries are never done, eh? Nah, kidding aside, the actual lady pictured here said that she was 100% convinced they won't be able to get a single usable, decent photo out of this family photoshoot. Then, her "crazy eyes" - her words, not ours - did their own thing. It's a valid concern, judging by how her husband seems barely able to corral their son, who appears to be actively trying to escape.
It's just a shame that it had to come out this way, with her looking like a cartoon character who just noticed an Acme-made bomb about to go off.